I haven’t written here in a while. My reason is, I miss home too much.
I’m sitting here crying because I can’t find a picture of me and my mum. It seem silly, but I just want to see a picture of me and her, together, probably drinking wine and talking in faux French (because that’s what we do).
I’m trawling my Facebook pictures and my photo folders, and I can’t find one. And it’s making me cry.
I’ve been in denial this last month. Everything has been a little bit hard. At home someone very close to me is going through a very dark time. I feel like my family needs me. My friends miss me. I haven’t made any really good friends here. I’m lonely. Not sad, but lonely. And in these moments, my homesickness threatens to overwhelm me. So, I’ve been in denial. Because if I don’t acknowledge it, it doesn’t exist.
But I miss my family. So much. I haven’t managed to speak to my brother & sister-in-law since I left (apart from the odd email or Instagram comment). I want to hang out with my sisters. I want to drink a bottle of wine with Mum. I want to have a D&M (otherwise known as a Dad & Mandy) on the couch with my daddy.
I want to be with someone who knows me.
An hour long Skype chat is good, but by the weekend I’ve forgotten the vents, the anecdotes, the little stories that I had to tell during the week. It’s not the same drinking a glass of wine by yourself. It’s my birthday in a couple of weeks and I won’t have the family birthday dinner, or my dad saying ‘happy birthday, birthday girl’ every single day for three weeks in the lead up to it.
I don’t want to go home. I love Brighton and I believe my path is here. But it doesn’t make it any easier when you feel like you should be with the people you love.
Admitting all of this makes it feel so much worse than ignoring it. But it’s been building up. And I still can’t find a picture of me and my mummy.
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
This is Mandy 